Last few days...

I don't know what it is with 3 year olds but I tell you what...they are moody!  Austin was the sweetest thing last week and this week he has been anything but sweet.  He has been moody, irritable, and disobedient.  We have gone round and round with his behavior and it is about to do me in.  A little prayer on my behalf would be much appreciated!

On Saturday we had breakfast at another bakery in town.  If you haven't guessed already, my family likes bakeries.  My husband loves bakeries so we have made it our mission to find all the good ones in town.  We enjoyed this one but think we have been spoiled by the one we had a little over a month ago.
The oldest didn't want his picture taken...see what I mean...moody!

After the bakery we headed back to Walden Pond to redeem ourselves. We went prepared this time. I wore Miller in the Ergo carrier and David wore Austin in our new (new to us-I bought it at a Consignment store in Boston) Kelty Backpack Carrier.
 
I had very high expectations for our hike and unfortunately they weren't completely met. Austin kept wanting to go everywhere besides the path we were supposed to stay on.
 
Miller was a little uncomfortable in the Ergo so I had to turn him around.
Looking back though it was nice.

Saturday evening David and I went on a nice date to the Northend. It was so great to be alone with my husband and enjoy a quiet dinner together.

Sunday we attended church and heard an amazing testimony of Libby Little who along with her husband Tom served as missionaries in Afghanistan. A year ago August Tom along with 9 others were killed by gunmen in Badakhshan, a remote northeastern region of the country. Her testimony was incredible. You can read more about them in this CNN article.

Monday the boys and I met up with friends at a new park near the Charles River. It has been beautiful the last few days so we are taking full advantage of it.
Tuesday night David had a work event so we hired a babysitter, dressed up nice, and went out on the town.  It was really nice and such a treat to go out 2 times in one week.

Seven for Saturday

Since yesterday was Friday and I really want to start doing Five for Friday but wanted my Friday post to focus on Forrest I decided to wait till today to post.  So today I'm doing Seven for Saturday.

1.  Going on a date with this hottie tonight to this Restaurant.

2.  Taking a hike to this beautiful place today with my family.

 3.  Really loving working on our Thankful Tree.

Austin has really loved coming up with things he is thankful for.  My favorite include blanket.

and ice cream sandwich.

4.  For beautiful weather in Boston for the next week.

5.  For my biggest little guy loving working on his letters.  He is really into learning each letter and constantly asks what that word starts with.  The teacher in me is eating it up.

6.  For my littlest little guy getting a haircut on Thursday.  He was starting to look like Bozo and I really struggled with letting anyone cut his hair but I think it turned out well.  He still has his precious curls.

7.  For this new day and knowing that I am one day closer to being reunited with my precious first born.

4 years...

Dear Forrest,

How has it been 4 years since I held your hand, kissed your face, smelled your baby smell, and held you in my arms?  Some days it feels like yesterday and some days it feels so long ago.  I see you in both your brothers.  I know you are with them.  Austin talks about you often.  I love that he thinks whenever we talk about Jesus that we are talking about you too.  He knows you are together.  What a beautiful way to look at it...no sadness about it...just full joy that you are with Jesus.  The words to the song Fix You affect your daddy and I in so many ways.

When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
But if you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

Tears stream down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Tears stream down your face 
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face 

And I 
Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

We couldn't fix you.  We had to watch as you left this earth and were no longer with us.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done...saying goodbye to you.  I know that you are in a better place. I know you would never want to be back here with us but I am selfish...I want you here.  I would have given anything to fix you.  I would have given my life for yours.  Thinking about those 55 days of watching you struggle...watching as tears streamed down my face and knowing there was nothing I could do but pray.  My heart hurts just thinking about how terribly hard that was.  Time does heal but it doesn't ever heal completely.  You aren't with me...end of story...I want you here....I want to be your mother on earth.  I miss you sweet baby.  I miss you so badly.

Love,
Mommy

My precious friend Halley placed these flowers at his gravesite yesterday.  Its killing me that I can't visit his site today.  Thank you Halley.

Halloween

We had a wonderful Halloween!  As you can see the boys were animals this year.  I found their costumes at a Consignment Sale in Memphis when I was home in August and decided to go ahead and buy them since they were such a good deal.  When I returned to Boston David asked what if Austin didn't like being a monkey but thankfully he did because we called him Curious George!  He loves Curious George.  He told everyone he was wearing his George suit.  He wouldn't call it a costume.

Miller was the cutest little duck around.  I can't believe they both wore their costumes with their hoods on the entire time.  Thankfully its colder up here so they didn't ever get too hot.  They were perfect because it meant they didn't need coats as well.

We took these pictures before we left for our friends house in Beacon Hill.

We took the train to Beacon Hill where we met up with 3 other families.  We had dinner together before we went Trick or Treating.  Beacon Hill is a beautiful area of Boston with gorgeous grand homes.  They go all out for Halloween with great decorations, sounds, and good candy.  Beacon Hill is where Senator John Kerry lives.  We did trick or treat at his house but he wasn't the one giving out candy.

Our friend Remi was Peter Pan.  His mommy is a great designer and interior decorator and made his costume.

Austin's friend William was also a Curious George.  They loved being the same thing. 

We also met up with our friends the Meduri's who were going to meet us for dinner before but they had a new baby girl on Thursday so just met us to Trick or Treat instead.  Sebastian was a precious Train Conductor.
 
Austin was so sweet as he trick or treated.  He would walk up to each house, say very sweetly "trick or treat" and then say "thank you" as he placed the candy in his basket.  Miller on the other hand walked straight up, took a piece of candy, walked a little ways off and then immediately tore the wrapper off to stick it in his mouth.  He thought it was the greatest night. =)

 
Another wonderful memory made for our little family of 4.

Reality

I feel like sometimes when I blog I act as everything is perfect, rosy, and we never have tough days.  That is so far from the truth.  Parenting is hard!  Some days I am so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is another craft, another story, another train track, or sweep my floors one more time.  I love my boys more than anything but there are still days when I want to cover my ears, curl up in a ball, and go to my happy place.

Having a 3 year old tests me everyday.  He knows how to push my buttons and does it often.  He is a sponge that picks up everything so I have to be so cautious about the things I say and do.  No longer can I watch the Today Show in the morning with no cares about what they are showing or saying.  He now listens intently and there are many things I don't want him to see or hear that goes on in the world.  The selfish sinner in me wants to watch my Today show without worries but instead, I have to be mindful of the little men in my life that need me to pour healthy, loving things in their ears.  Some days he is the sweetest little guy giving me hugs, kisses, and telling me "I love you too Mommy".

Then in the next moment, he becomes moody, irritable, and tells me, "You make me mad mommy."

One of his favorite books is "Llama, Llama Mad at Mommy"  Little Llama doesn't want to shop with his mommy so he throws a big fit in the store but by the end of the story he loves his mommy again.  That is our day to day trials.  One minute he loves his brother and I and then the next he doesn't want anything to do with us.

Having a 16 month old tests me daily.  He is into everything!  You can't turn your back from him for 1 minute without him getting into something he shouldn't.  He is curious and I should be cultivating his curiosity but some days I just want to strap him to his chair so he doesn't get into anything else.  I am trying to let the little things like pulling all the toilet paper off the roll, playing in the sink, playing in the trash, breaking my crockpot lid, and running straight for the water to not un-nerve me.  Its hard though and I struggle everyday with the little things often getting to me.

Living life everyday knowing my first born isn't with us is hard.  I miss him so much and wonder constantly what he would look like, how he would act, what things would he love.  Living in Boston where not many people know his story/my story is hard.  To the people I meet I have 2 beautiful boys but what they don't know is I have 3 beautiful boys, 1 just isn't with me.  I have shared with some about Forrest but not many.  I have shared before that when we lost Forrest, I felt like my arm was amputated.  I learned how to live life with 1 less arm but I will forever be crippled because he's not here with us.  Until I am reunited with him in eternity, my life is missing such a big piece.  I made a choice the weekend we were losing him that I would not be bitter and angry at God forever but instead would let it spurn me to love others and God deeper but there are still days where the bitterness and anger creep in.

I post the happy, beautiful moments because they are what you so often take the pictures of.  In the midst of the arguments, temper tantrums, and sad moments of missing Forrest I don't take the pictures. They are a part of everyday but I don't usually post about them. Reality is...life is hard...life is tough...life is a struggle...but life is also beautiful...life is precious...life is blessed...and I am so thankful for the lives of my 3 precious boys.

*I felt I should post this after last post where I look like Martha Stewart (which if you know me you know I am not Martha Stewart) and before the post of Halloween where it looks like my kids love each other and we had the most wonderful Halloween.  I love to blog and show my family far away what is going on in our life but I also struggle with wanting to be real and let others see that in no way do I or my family have it all together.*