4 years

4 years ago today I met the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

He was perfect to me.  Everything about him was perfect.  He had the most precious nose, gorgeous eyes, kissable cheeks and I was in awe that the Lord had given him to me.
I couldn't wait to hold him, nurse him, snuggle with him but instead, the Lord had other plans.

He was whisked away from us because he was breathing fast.  They thought it was because he was a wimpy white boy that was a little early and needed some help with his lungs.

I wish that had been the case but instead, the Lord had other plans.
We were told in the middle of the night by a disheveled looking doctor that he thought our son was going to die.  We went to sleep thinking he needed a little lung support to being awoken with the news that our son was barely hanging on.

Le Bonheur PediFlight team transported him to Le Bonheur where they hoped with all the right equipment and medicine, his life could be saved. We went in less than 12 hours from the best moment of our lives, to the worst.
 
I still thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Only a mother can see her son that sick and that swollen, and still think he's beautiful.
There was so much equipment and machines and medicine that it was all so overwhelming. Our little 6 lb. 9 ounce baby was hooked up to so many things.
We had faith...that is all we had. We had to cling to the Lord because there was nothing else to cling too. It was the only thing keeping us standing. Each day was heartbreaking because each day brought so much bad news but we still had faith.
 
There were some good days here and there and I did whatever it took to be the mother I knew I was supposed to be. It didn't look like the mother I had envisioned because he wasn't home with me snuggling with me, being held by me, being nursed by me but instead he was laying in hospital bed where I rubbed his face, held his hand, sang to him, gave him oral care, and gave him sponge baths. Those things were so important to me because it made me feel like a mother.
We did everything to make his stay the best it could be. Brought in blankets and lovies that we slept with so he could have our smell on them. Changed his bedding every night to match, look pretty, and be nice and clean.
 
I saw David become a man that only God could make him be. He was his protector, his advocate, and his father.
 
We grew up quickly over night. We no longer felt like kids just breezing through life.  We now were making decisions that no parent should ever have to make.
We met some of the most amazing people while walking through this journey.  People who are still in our lives and inspire us daily.
 
The day he opened his eyes and looked at me was one of the happiest days of my life.
He was still the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
We spent many days and nights where I just held him. I didn't care that my legs and bottom went numb and that the world was going on without me. I had my precious son in my arms where he belonged.
I fell more in love with David every day.
We had some really great days in a row where we really did have hope that we would one day take him home. We weren't naive in thinking he wouldn't have a lot of things going on but we were ok with that and willing to do whatever it took.
 
Our last good day was Halloween. The next day I knew he was taking a turn for the worse but no one could figure out what was wrong.
 
I was woken up Friday morning, November 2 by David who was at the hospital, that he was not doing well. His lungs were failing. I knew at that moment that this was the end.
We never left his side in those last 3 days. We barely ate or drank just so we wouldn't have to use the restroom and leave him. He gave us 3 beautiful days with him. 3 days of making sure he knew how very loved he was and how very proud of him we were.
On November 4, 2007, a little past 10 at night, Robert Forrest Spence died in our arms. He went straight from our arms to his Heavenly Father's arms.
God had big plans for our little guy. They weren't the plans we would have picked for him but his 55 days of life brought more glory to his Heavenly Father than I had in my 27 years of life.
Forrest was a miracle in every aspect. God used his life to change me, refine me, and mold me into the woman he wants me to be. I am still a sinner and far off from the woman God wants me to be but God used Forrest to re-examine my life and how I wanted to live it.

Forrest, I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be your mommy. I am so proud of the 55 days you lived on this earth.  I am so proud of your legacy and how it lives on each family the Fund ministers too.  My heart aches with the desire to see you again and hold you again. It seems so far away until I see you again but what a blessing to know I will spend eternity with you. I love you sweet boy. Forever and always...Happy 4th Birthday.