Happy 11 years!

Happy Anniversary to my one and only!  11 years spent with my most favorite person.  I am so thankful for this man and all he means to our family and to me.  He is truly our rock and our protector.  I can definitely say that I love him more today than I did 11 years ago...to walk beside him as he went through 10 years of medical training, to see him as he held all 4 of his children for the first time, and to see him as he held his son as he took his last breath...he truly is the best.

Some of things I love the most about him are the ways we have fun and make each other laugh.  We don't take each other or ourselves too seriously and I think it keeps our marriage fun and strong. (Below pic is from last night when we went to the Big Wig Ball for Le Bonheur).

I love you David and I love this little life and family we have...God has been good even in the darkest of moments.  I can't wait to spend the rest of my life as your wife!

6 years gone

Today marks 6 years since I last held my son....touched his face...held his hand...and was close to him.

Typing those words are hard to imagine much less know it really happened.  Its hard to understand unless you have been there and held your child as they passed away in your arms but that weekend was one of the most special and awful moments of my life.

I wouldn't change anything about his last moments with us.  We laid with him in the bed and made sure he knew how very proud we were of him and that his work here on earth was done.  

He could go be with Jesus and be healed and healthy again.  We were forever changed because of his life but saying goodbye was so hard.
I am thankful to know because of my faith that I will see him again...I will be with him forever in eternity.  Some days that is the only thing that gets me through.  
Remembering his life today and praising the Lord for the 55 days we were blessed to be a part of it.

Read my posts from 5 years, 4 years, 3 years, and 2 years.  

9 years

Today is our 9 year Anniversary!  Truly one of the best days of my life.  (The picture below is from our rehearsal dinner...yes, I was blond, skinny, and tan.)
I knew when I met David almost 14 years ago that he was something special.  Someone that would potentially change my life forever.
He, even at 19, was confident, loving, wise, brilliant, honest, and had so much spiritual depth. He knew he wanted to be a doctor and was on that path to make it happen.
I fell for him quickly and hard.  I knew I was young and that this love may not last but I was truly smitten.  He had my heart and I was going wherever he went.  
Thankfully, this love did last and he has never let go of me.  He has led me through this wonderful life of ours...this life that at times has been so sad and so terribly hard.  He has loved me through the worst moments of my life and the best moments of my life.
I'll never forget after Forrest passed the amount of people that told us losing a child is so hard on a marriage and the statistics show that a large percentage of marriages end in divorce.  I remember David and I looking at each other and deciding right then and there that we were fighting for our marriage.  We were going to fight for each other.  We were going to work hard to make sure our marriage was a top priority.

I can thankfully say that we are stronger, more in love, and respect each other far more than we did before we had Forrest.  We can now look at each other and know that we can make it through any and everything.  We have survived the best and the worst and love each other more than ever.

I am sitting here typing this and crying because I truly can't express what he means to me.  We have our ups and downs like every normal couple does and there are times I want to pull out my hair because he hasn't taken the trash out after being asked 5 times but I truly don't know what I would do without him.  
We were watching the movie "We Bought a Zoo" the other night and after it was all over we both just sat there not saying a word but with tears rolling down our faces (I think I am the only one who had the tears but we were definitely thinking the same thing).  It hit us hard that life without the other would truly be terrible.  He is my once in a lifetime kind of love.

Happy Anniversary David...thank you for being my once in a lifetime kind of love.  I can't wait to spend many, many more years together raising our precious children and growing old together.

4 years

4 years ago today I met the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.

He was perfect to me.  Everything about him was perfect.  He had the most precious nose, gorgeous eyes, kissable cheeks and I was in awe that the Lord had given him to me.
I couldn't wait to hold him, nurse him, snuggle with him but instead, the Lord had other plans.

He was whisked away from us because he was breathing fast.  They thought it was because he was a wimpy white boy that was a little early and needed some help with his lungs.

I wish that had been the case but instead, the Lord had other plans.
We were told in the middle of the night by a disheveled looking doctor that he thought our son was going to die.  We went to sleep thinking he needed a little lung support to being awoken with the news that our son was barely hanging on.

Le Bonheur PediFlight team transported him to Le Bonheur where they hoped with all the right equipment and medicine, his life could be saved. We went in less than 12 hours from the best moment of our lives, to the worst.
 
I still thought he was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. Only a mother can see her son that sick and that swollen, and still think he's beautiful.
There was so much equipment and machines and medicine that it was all so overwhelming. Our little 6 lb. 9 ounce baby was hooked up to so many things.
We had faith...that is all we had. We had to cling to the Lord because there was nothing else to cling too. It was the only thing keeping us standing. Each day was heartbreaking because each day brought so much bad news but we still had faith.
 
There were some good days here and there and I did whatever it took to be the mother I knew I was supposed to be. It didn't look like the mother I had envisioned because he wasn't home with me snuggling with me, being held by me, being nursed by me but instead he was laying in hospital bed where I rubbed his face, held his hand, sang to him, gave him oral care, and gave him sponge baths. Those things were so important to me because it made me feel like a mother.
We did everything to make his stay the best it could be. Brought in blankets and lovies that we slept with so he could have our smell on them. Changed his bedding every night to match, look pretty, and be nice and clean.
 
I saw David become a man that only God could make him be. He was his protector, his advocate, and his father.
 
We grew up quickly over night. We no longer felt like kids just breezing through life.  We now were making decisions that no parent should ever have to make.
We met some of the most amazing people while walking through this journey.  People who are still in our lives and inspire us daily.
 
The day he opened his eyes and looked at me was one of the happiest days of my life.
He was still the most beautiful baby I had ever seen.
We spent many days and nights where I just held him. I didn't care that my legs and bottom went numb and that the world was going on without me. I had my precious son in my arms where he belonged.
I fell more in love with David every day.
We had some really great days in a row where we really did have hope that we would one day take him home. We weren't naive in thinking he wouldn't have a lot of things going on but we were ok with that and willing to do whatever it took.
 
Our last good day was Halloween. The next day I knew he was taking a turn for the worse but no one could figure out what was wrong.
 
I was woken up Friday morning, November 2 by David who was at the hospital, that he was not doing well. His lungs were failing. I knew at that moment that this was the end.
We never left his side in those last 3 days. We barely ate or drank just so we wouldn't have to use the restroom and leave him. He gave us 3 beautiful days with him. 3 days of making sure he knew how very loved he was and how very proud of him we were.
On November 4, 2007, a little past 10 at night, Robert Forrest Spence died in our arms. He went straight from our arms to his Heavenly Father's arms.
God had big plans for our little guy. They weren't the plans we would have picked for him but his 55 days of life brought more glory to his Heavenly Father than I had in my 27 years of life.
Forrest was a miracle in every aspect. God used his life to change me, refine me, and mold me into the woman he wants me to be. I am still a sinner and far off from the woman God wants me to be but God used Forrest to re-examine my life and how I wanted to live it.

Forrest, I am so proud of you. I am so proud to be your mommy. I am so proud of the 55 days you lived on this earth.  I am so proud of your legacy and how it lives on each family the Fund ministers too.  My heart aches with the desire to see you again and hold you again. It seems so far away until I see you again but what a blessing to know I will spend eternity with you. I love you sweet boy. Forever and always...Happy 4th Birthday.

what a week (part 3)

Mostly words post...not many pictures!

On Thursday we were planning on taking the morning to relax and get some things done but Austin had other plans.  Dingdad and I were working in my car cleaning it out, switching Miller's carseat around, and making sure the cartop carrier for Boston was going to work.  Austin came out in his pj's wanting to play in the car while we worked.  I walked inside for a little bit and then heard loud crying coming from outside.  Ron (Dingdad) walks in the door carrying Austin with a lot of blood coming out of his foot.  Somehow (we still aren't sure exactly) Austin jumped from the back of the Pilot to the middle seat and landed on something that sliced his toe open.  We put it under water but it wouldn't stop bleeding.  We looked at it and realized it was deep so I called David.  David told us to come to Le Bonheur to see if it needed stiches or dermabond.  My mom and I jumped in the car with Austin and drove to LB.  I was still sweaty and nasty from my run that morning and Austin was still in his pj's.  David met us at the entrance of the ED and took us into a room.  He quickly decided that it needed something and decided to do dermabond.  Oh my goodness...I thought Austin was going to fly off the table.  That boy was screaming like someone had chopped off his foot.  It was rough going getting him to keep still while David glued and wrapped it up.  He didn't want a toy, popsicle, ice cream or anything else I bribed him with.  He wanted it to be over.  He told us about a 100 times that he wanted to go.  It was tough seeing him so scared and upset but after it was over, he perked right up to being fine.  Mom and I left LB and drove him to get ice cream.  He was so sweet the rest of the day.  We asked him to not walk on it so he would either let someone carry him or he would walk on his knees.  He's doing much better now and hope that the dermabond did its job.  I know that we will probably have many visits like that with how active our boys are so I am extremely thankful for a husband who is cool under pressure and knows what to do.

My normal day to volunteer at Le Bonheur is Thursdays so I spent the morning and afternoon there.  The Le Bonheur staff was so sweet and threw me a surprise going away party that afternoon.  They told me I had an important meeting and I believed them.  It was such a sweet surprise and I really enjoyed hugging everyone's neck one more time before we leave.

On Friday we celebrated our anniversary.  David set everything up and told me to be ready at 5:00.  I knew we were staying at a hotel but I didn't know which one and what else we were doing.  He made reservations at the Madison downtown and dinner at McEwan's. The next morning we had breakfast at Grill 83.  It was a perfect way to end a wonderful and exhausting week.  Just spending quality one on one time with the man I love.
(The sun was hitting the doormat)

3 years

Dear Forrest,

How has it been 3 years since you left us? It seems like just yesterday. This time of year is so hard on me because Halloween is the only holiday I was blessed to share with you. I still remember you in that Pumpkin hat just staring at me with those big brown eyes. I knew you were a gift from the Lord that was sent here to make such an impact on my life. I am so proud of you son. Proud of the rich legacy you left behind. Proud of the strength you showed every day. Proud of you for just being you. Your name, Robert Forrest, is part of that legacy. You were named after 2 of your grandfathers who were already waiting on you in Heaven. Those two men left such amazing legacies behind and taught your daddy and I so much about life, love, and knowledge. We knew when we named you that God had big plans for your life.

I miss you baby boy and wish I was kissing your head, singing Jesus Loves Me, and telling you how proud I am to be your mommy.

Love,
Mommy

sweet Forrest

The 10th is here. How can 2 years have already passed. I thought I was going to do ok today because there is so much going on with the race that I wasn't sure if I would have time to grieve but now as I sit here in a quiet house (just put Austin down for his morning nap), I am truly sad. I miss him so much sometimes I feel like my heart is being torn in two. It is true that time heals but at the same time, it takes you farther away from the precious moments you had with your child. I sometimes want time to stop because what if I forget something, what if I don't remember something about him. I still remember the way his skin felt when I touched it, the way his little hand grasped my finger, the way his eyes sparkled when he saw his daddy. I am so scared I will forget those things. 2 years...I can't get over it. 2 years ago today I was sitting in a hospital bed waiting to meet my first child. I was so naive. I thought if you made it through the pregnancy with a healthy mom and a healthy child, than it was home free. I would walk out of that hospital 2 days after the 10th with a precious child of God in my arms for me to love, hold, and take care of for life. In a matter of 10 hours how our lives changed forever. Forrest was so beautiful and so perfect. God molded him inside my womb to be perfect. It wasn't the way I wanted him to be but he was perfect in God's sight. God knew that in 55 short days he was going to join Him in Heaven as one of his newest angels. I am so proud of my son, I am so honored to be his mommy.

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweet Forrest. I love and miss you with all my heart. Make sure Jesus holds you real tight today since your mommy can't.

This picture was taken when he was opening his eyes to look at us for the first time, day 32.

6 years!

Today is our 6 year Anniversary.  6 years ago today I married my best friend, the man of my dreams, my prince charming.  We have been through some really great times and some really hard times.  I never imagined on our wedding day that we would one day say goodbye to our first child.  You imagine on the beautiful day that you marry your prince that life will be full of sunshine and no rain.  We unfortunately have been through some pretty tough storms but there is no one I would rather walk through the puddles than with David.  He is truly the man of my dreams.  Happy 6 year Anniversary Honey.  I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you!