Comfort and Joy

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will
give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

Friday, November 4, 2011

4 years...

Dear Forrest,

How has it been 4 years since I held your hand, kissed your face, smelled your baby smell, and held you in my arms?  Some days it feels like yesterday and some days it feels so long ago.  I see you in both your brothers.  I know you are with them.  Austin talks about you often.  I love that he thinks whenever we talk about Jesus that we are talking about you too.  He knows you are together.  What a beautiful way to look at sadness about it...just full joy that you are with Jesus.  The words to the song Fix You affect your daddy and I in so many ways.

When you try your best but you don't succeed 
When you get what you want but not what you need 
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep 
Stuck in reverse 

And the tears come streaming down your face 
When you lose something you can't replace 
When you love someone but it goes to waste 
Could it be worse? 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

And high up above or down below 
When you're too in love to let it go 
But if you never try you'll never know 
Just what you're worth 

Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones 
And I will try to fix you 

Tears stream down your face 
When you lose something you cannot replace 
Tears stream down your face 
And I 

Tears stream down your face 
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face 

And I 
Lights will guide you home 
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you

We couldn't fix you.  We had to watch as you left this earth and were no longer with us.  It was the hardest thing I have ever done...saying goodbye to you.  I know that you are in a better place. I know you would never want to be back here with us but I am selfish...I want you here.  I would have given anything to fix you.  I would have given my life for yours.  Thinking about those 55 days of watching you struggle...watching as tears streamed down my face and knowing there was nothing I could do but pray.  My heart hurts just thinking about how terribly hard that was.  Time does heal but it doesn't ever heal completely.  You aren't with me...end of story...I want you here....I want to be your mother on earth.  I miss you sweet baby.  I miss you so badly.


My precious friend Halley placed these flowers at his gravesite yesterday.  Its killing me that I can't visit his site today.  Thank you Halley.


Emilee Odette Garrett said...

My heart is still so heavy for you. I think of Forrest often. Praying for you today.

Molly Witherington said...

Much love to all the Millers and the Spences today.

Melody said...

Love you sweet friend and I have been praying extra for you this week. I know it is so hard. So sweet to hear how Austin thinks of his brave big brother. You are so special to me and I am so thankful that Halley was able to put those beautiful flowers on his grave for you.

Tim and Bridge said...

Wish I could hug you right now. Praying for you so much and remembering your sweet family.

bec said...

Forrest is so proud of his mama!