Comfort and Joy

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will
give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Reality

I feel like sometimes when I blog I act as everything is perfect, rosy, and we never have tough days.  That is so far from the truth.  Parenting is hard!  Some days I am so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is another craft, another story, another train track, or sweep my floors one more time.  I love my boys more than anything but there are still days when I want to cover my ears, curl up in a ball, and go to my happy place.

Having a 3 year old tests me everyday.  He knows how to push my buttons and does it often.  He is a sponge that picks up everything so I have to be so cautious about the things I say and do.  No longer can I watch the Today Show in the morning with no cares about what they are showing or saying.  He now listens intently and there are many things I don't want him to see or hear that goes on in the world.  The selfish sinner in me wants to watch my Today show without worries but instead, I have to be mindful of the little men in my life that need me to pour healthy, loving things in their ears.  Some days he is the sweetest little guy giving me hugs, kisses, and telling me "I love you too Mommy".
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Then in the next moment, he becomes moody, irritable, and tells me, "You make me mad mommy."
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One of his favorite books is "Llama, Llama Mad at Mommy"  Little Llama doesn't want to shop with his mommy so he throws a big fit in the store but by the end of the story he loves his mommy again.  That is our day to day trials.  One minute he loves his brother and I and then the next he doesn't want anything to do with us.
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Having a 16 month old tests me daily.  He is into everything!  You can't turn your back from him for 1 minute without him getting into something he shouldn't.  He is curious and I should be cultivating his curiosity but some days I just want to strap him to his chair so he doesn't get into anything else.  I am trying to let the little things like pulling all the toilet paper off the roll, playing in the sink, playing in the trash, breaking my crockpot lid, and running straight for the water to not un-nerve me.  Its hard though and I struggle everyday with the little things often getting to me.
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Living life everyday knowing my first born isn't with us is hard.  I miss him so much and wonder constantly what he would look like, how he would act, what things would he love.  Living in Boston where not many people know his story/my story is hard.  To the people I meet I have 2 beautiful boys but what they don't know is I have 3 beautiful boys, 1 just isn't with me.  I have shared with some about Forrest but not many.  I have shared before that when we lost Forrest, I felt like my arm was amputated.  I learned how to live life with 1 less arm but I will forever be crippled because he's not here with us.  Until I am reunited with him in eternity, my life is missing such a big piece.  I made a choice the weekend we were losing him that I would not be bitter and angry at God forever but instead would let it spurn me to love others and God deeper but there are still days where the bitterness and anger creep in.
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I post the happy, beautiful moments because they are what you so often take the pictures of.  In the midst of the arguments, temper tantrums, and sad moments of missing Forrest I don't take the pictures. They are a part of everyday but I don't usually post about them. Reality is...life is hard...life is tough...life is a struggle...but life is also beautiful...life is precious...life is blessed...and I am so thankful for the lives of my 3 precious boys.

*I felt I should post this after last post where I look like Martha Stewart (which if you know me you know I am not Martha Stewart) and before the post of Halloween where it looks like my kids love each other and we had the most wonderful Halloween.  I love to blog and show my family far away what is going on in our life but I also struggle with wanting to be real and let others see that in no way do I or my family have it all together.*

7 comments:

The Morrisons said...

Amen!

Dixie said...

I love reading all your posts, and this one is SO true!
Thanks for sharing!

Melody said...

Love you sweet Brittany, I know you miss Forrest so much and I too long for Heaven but you have done such amazing things in his name and I know that God is going to continue to use you to touch other's lives and bring others to Him because of Forrest.

I know what you mean about 3 year olds, they are very testy and Lilliana gets the best of me a lot of times too. I can't imagine being away from family and help like you are up in Boston.

Thanks for being honest, and sharing, I too feel like when things aren't rosey in my neck of the woods I just shelter myself from others and hide those feelings.

Emilee Odette Garrett said...

Yes. Thank you for being real. Mothering is hard. Life is hard. Praying for you today...

Heather and Suzanne said...

Brittany, we met at lindsey Mcgrews wedding. I graduated from Hutchison the same year David was at MUS. I don't know if you remember meeting my husband and me, but I had to share with you what happened today...the appliance repairman was here and my kids were going nuts, I asked him about his children and he said "we are trying but we lost our son who was 5 days old in April". He was their first. We talked for about 45 minutes and I prayed about it, and told him about you. He said you talked to his wife Suzanna (Taylor) their son was Jack. And that you were such a blessing to them. I just had to share with you the great things that you and precious Forrest are doing. They have a Facebook page we LOVE baby Jack, if you want to see them. Our website is www.theculpeppers.com if you have a minute and want to check us out! Our son, Murphy is 3 and Madden is 2. I hope you are doing well, you should be so proud of yourself for your courage and your precious baby boy. You really made an impact on more people than you will ever imagine.
Suzanne Culpepper

ashleywheatley said...

This is beautiful B. Your a great blogger, and a wonderful mother. It was a rough day at our house today, thanks for your encouraging message. Life with 2 active boys is busy! I guess that is why I haven't showered since Sunday!
Carter loves that llama llama book too.... And playing in the sink and trash:)

Casey Cockrum said...

thanks for always being real and honest....praying for you this week especially as you remember those hospital times, etc from 4 years ago. y'all are loved...and missed deeply!