I feel like sometimes when I blog I act as everything is perfect, rosy, and we never have tough days. That is so far from the truth. Parenting is hard! Some days I am so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is another craft, another story, another train track, or sweep my floors one more time. I love my boys more than anything but there are still days when I want to cover my ears, curl up in a ball, and go to my happy place.
Having a 3 year old tests me everyday. He knows how to push my buttons and does it often. He is a sponge that picks up everything so I have to be so cautious about the things I say and do. No longer can I watch the Today Show in the morning with no cares about what they are showing or saying. He now listens intently and there are many things I don't want him to see or hear that goes on in the world. The selfish sinner in me wants to watch my Today show without worries but instead, I have to be mindful of the little men in my life that need me to pour healthy, loving things in their ears. Some days he is the sweetest little guy giving me hugs, kisses, and telling me "I love you too Mommy".
Then in the next moment, he becomes moody, irritable, and tells me, "You make me mad mommy."
One of his favorite books is "Llama, Llama Mad at Mommy" Little Llama doesn't want to shop with his mommy so he throws a big fit in the store but by the end of the story he loves his mommy again. That is our day to day trials. One minute he loves his brother and I and then the next he doesn't want anything to do with us.
Having a 16 month old tests me daily. He is into everything! You can't turn your back from him for 1 minute without him getting into something he shouldn't. He is curious and I should be cultivating his curiosity but some days I just want to strap him to his chair so he doesn't get into anything else. I am trying to let the little things like pulling all the toilet paper off the roll, playing in the sink, playing in the trash, breaking my crockpot lid, and running straight for the water to not un-nerve me. Its hard though and I struggle everyday with the little things often getting to me.
Living life everyday knowing my first born isn't with us is hard. I miss him so much and wonder constantly what he would look like, how he would act, what things would he love. Living in Boston where not many people know his story/my story is hard. To the people I meet I have 2 beautiful boys but what they don't know is I have 3 beautiful boys, 1 just isn't with me. I have shared with some about Forrest but not many. I have shared before that when we lost Forrest, I felt like my arm was amputated. I learned how to live life with 1 less arm but I will forever be crippled because he's not here with us. Until I am reunited with him in eternity, my life is missing such a big piece. I made a choice the weekend we were losing him that I would not be bitter and angry at God forever but instead would let it spurn me to love others and God deeper but there are still days where the bitterness and anger creep in.
I post the happy, beautiful moments because they are what you so often take the pictures of. In the midst of the arguments, temper tantrums, and sad moments of missing Forrest I don't take the pictures. They are a part of everyday but I don't usually post about them. Reality is...life is hard...life is tough...life is a struggle...but life is also beautiful...life is precious...life is blessed...and I am so thankful for the lives of my 3 precious boys.
*I felt I should post this after last post where I look like Martha Stewart (which if you know me you know I am not Martha Stewart) and before the post of Halloween where it looks like my kids love each other and we had the most wonderful Halloween. I love to blog and show my family far away what is going on in our life but I also struggle with wanting to be real and let others see that in no way do I or my family have it all together.*